May 2009
3 posts
fuckityfuckfuck
the next time anyone hears me talk about anything involving a relationship kill me.
chaw ricken
agentdoublepen: ur stoopit
agentnopants:i know but u love me
agentdoublepen:yeah there’s no accounting for my taste though lmao :D
agentnopants:well i’m glad ur taste buds like me
agentdoublepen:angels of death taste like chicken…
agentnopants: original recipe or extra crispy?
agentdoublepen:raw lol
February 2009
4 posts
drunken gays
greg: you're hot!'
agentnopants: you're drunk!
frankie: you are so hot. i wanna suck you titeez.
agentnopants: you are very drunk and very gay!
frankie: Okay. So im gay. But i would still suck your boobies. Ha ha. I'm so drunk and gay!
christmas
agentnopants: so i texted crizzum merry christmas idk why and i got nothing back but today she texted me and goes merry belated christmas!
agentdoublepen: should i text her "merry fucking belated xmas whorebaggage"?
hair spiders
agentnopants: i just found a hair spider in my ass!
agentdoublepen: they're "friendship arachnids" but fine you're cut off no more for you :(
this is not fucking katy perry
i’ve been kissing a girl lately. she’s soft and sexy and the best kisser in the world. it’s made me really realize that i am so outside of labels and expectations and all the other crap that we put on ourselves and everyone we come in contact with and oops! all those we don’t. i feel happy and not the least bit worried about what anyone will think. it’s so fucking...
September 2008
3 posts
what i don't want in a man.
so Agent Double Penetration was telling her ex what kind of dog she wanted as he wants to buy her and her daughter a new dog, so she wrote up an email about the dog she wanted. the breed is rather expensive, but you can get a rescued one for cheaper. but knowing her ex as she does, she felt it necessary to include a list of what “rescued” did NOT mean. i thought it was hysterical and...
corn
agentnopants: sometimes i hate you for being smarter than me.
agentdoublepenetration: lolz just keep throwing the corn/d.r. thing as it makes me feel blonde.
agentnopants: lmao i ate corn for lunch.
agentdoublepen: lolz just sat there with a pop top can and a butter knife scraping the kernels out huh.
agentnopants: yeah and i washed my ass with the juices.
agentdoublepen: i love your corny ass!
agentnopants: you're a cornball.
agentdoublepen: i'll be a cornball you corn anus!
agentnopants: keep your cornballs outta my ass!
agentdoublepen: imma slap my corn bawls on yer corn anus!
“i wounded a sperm whale with a hate harpoon”
– agentdoublepen
August 2008
18 posts
“you never know when you’ll need a rainbow crackhead in your back pocket”
– agentdoublepen
the daydream (edited for your virgin eyes)
agentdoublepen: the ex is mr jerkoff again.
agentnopants: he was always a jerk just sometimes he hid it better than others.
agentdoublepen: I love you man!
agentnopants: all of my exes shit says "in a relationship" today. it's sad.
agentdoublepen: he is in a relationship with himself it's called narcissism.
agentnopants: i love you man!
agentdoublepen: it happened again that wonderful daydream where our exes kill eachother.(INSERT DREAM: AGENTNOPANTS' EX GETS HIT BY A BUS AND FALLS ON AGENTDOUBLEPENS EX, CRUSHING HIM TO HIS DEATH. END DREAM)
agentnopants: *sigh* ah yes i shall sleep well tonight
agentdoublepen: sleep well my darling things are looking up like our purdy eyes in your pix. sorry i'm such a downer sometimes.
agentnopants: and i'm not a downer? lol my ex calls me miserable. i'm not sure if things are looking up but as long as you got my back i'm cool. you know i got yours
agentdoublepen: you're my meth :)
agentnopants: and you're my ecstasy... oops did i say that out loud?
agentdoublepen: i just wanna hear you say it!
Duvet by BOA (Serial Experiments Lain)
And you...
wasting my time
agentnopants: I just passed the chilis that we went to for amandas birthday and I'm sorry but i had to tell you that i miss you like whoa.
theex: when you're not trashing me in every blog and every person that will listen? Sure.
agentnopants: well you broke my heart what do you expect? you broke up with me by text. you abandoned me when i needed you. All of these things should make me hate you but all i really do is want your arms around me. I say I hate you, hoping that I can make myself do so but it's not working. And I don't trash you on every blog or to EVERY person. Don't be over dramatic like me.
“Agent Double Penetration, sayin my name OUT LOUD!”
– who do you think??
“Cassandra when I look into your eyes I see oceans of self love”
– Agent Double Penetration
“Prepare to suck the cock of karma!”
– pinapple express
MY CRACKHEAD IS RAINBOW
we were gonna go see bloc party but the damn scalpers bought all the tickets so instead of parting with a hundred bucks we spent 24 on pizza and wings and gorged ourselves on horror. some takeaways from the evening:
1.If you want extra garlic sauce for your papa johns pizza, you much speak very loudly and clearly and tell them several times that you want EXTRA GARLIC SAUCE otherwise the...
“Well I’ll tell ya…I’m soooo thankful for The Nightmare on Elm...”
– AgentDoublePen
“do you believe in forever?/ i don’t even believe in tomorrow./ the only...”
– type o negative “unsuccessfully coping with the natural beauty of infidelity”
i'll catch my own tears in a bottle,...
i’m so exhausted i might cry. literally. big sloppy wet ones all over my laptop. there has got to be an easier way to get by in this world than busting my ass like a migrant worker day after day. i don’t want much, i just wanna pay my rent, buy some food, keep myself clothed. i’m not high mantainance. i just wanna live. my dsl keeps telling me to work smarter not harder but i...
“ I believe that everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can...”
– Maralyn Monroe
“jeezuz doo you think you could eva date a guy like me? detatchable...”
– agentdoublepenetration
i need two types of fuck per day
agentdoublepenetration: i need two types of fuck per day pick a hole for the first type and then shut the fuck up for the second type.
agentnopants: i want a man who doesn't cry about it.
agentdoublepenetration: i want a man who ventures into the unknown with me too.
agentnopants: i just want a man who can fix my car.
agentdoublepenetration: or buy me a new one lmao.
agentdoublepenetration: lol and emphasis on brand new not just new to me lol.
agentnopants: and i want a man who doesn't mind helping me when i need it.
agentdoublepenetration: yeah and not use it like a torch against frankenstien.
agentnopants: i want a man who takes less time in the shower than i do.
agentdoublepenetration: lmao and one that isn't a closet homo or homophobe at that.
agentnopants: lol and one that doesn't make all my gay friends tell me they think he's on the fence
agentdoublepenetration: lol one that doesn't try to pass for anything he's not too
agentnopants: one that smells the way i like him to smell.
agentdoublepenetration: lmao and one who wears his bodily hair the way i want it worn
agentnopants: and one thats a good kisser and doesn't think that hoovering my lips off constitutes a kiss.
agentdoublepenetration: oh and one who's so good in bed not only is he not intimidated by my sex drive but i don't even need toys anymore.
agentnopants: yes and one who can get me off by more than just his mouth.
agentdoublepenetration: yes yes and should continually practice so he can one day make perfect.
“I want you to eat various raw meats, especially pork, so that you contract...”
– Agent Double Penetration
taylor ham and espresso
it’s one of my precious and few days off and i’m sitting at my counter waiting for my Lime, broke as hell can’t even put money on my phone so what do you do? you start numerous online personas and fill your time with tiny words on a screen and dive into other peoples lives. over the sound of the air conditioner i can hear the cars on Westfield Ave doing way over the 35 mph speed...
